April 2013: a snapshot

It is 12.25am and I have been asleep for about two and a half hours. I am woken by the three year old child to my left wriggling and grunting in his sleep. He kicks the duvet off, gets up on all fours, then flops back on to the bed, still asleep. He settles for a moment, then gets up on all fours again, crying this time. I realise he has wet the bed. Wetting the bed has been a fairly regular feature of the past four or five weeks; before that our bed had been Wee Free Since December 3.

We do not make a big deal out of this. We do not want the boy to feel shame or humiliation. But it's bloody annoying to have to change the bedlinen at half past midnight. Still, at least there's a good seven hours of night left. We go back to sleep.

It is 1.30am. The six week old baby to my right is snuffling and chirruping for a feed. As if by magic, the small child on my left wakes up at the exact same time and wails for booby. I know that if I respond quickly he will go back to sleep, but I need to get the baby propped up on my other boob to feed first. It takes me about 20 seconds to do this, in which time the child is still wailing and I am getting increasingly irritated by the incessant 'I want some booooby' and pawing at my chest, so I snap at him then begrudgingly give him what he wants, feeling like I want to push him off the bed. I am starting to loathe tandem nursing. He goes back to sleep and after about half an hour, so do I. Prior to four or five weeks ago, he was sleeping through the night without any demands for booby. I know why he is unsettled but it doesn't make it any easier to find compassion.

It is 3.27am. The small baby is uncomfortable. He is pushing with his legs against my knee. I think he probably needs a wee or a nappy change, but I am too frightened of waking the child to help him. I try to feed him back to sleep but he is having none of it. I take a deep breath and hoist myself out of the bed with him, take him to the bathroom and let him wee into the loo. I put him in a fresh nappy and get back into bed. After about 45 minutes I go back to sleep.

It is 5.11am. The child stirs. In his half-sleep and half crying, he declares 'I want some boooooby'. I want to weep, I am so exhausted. I give him what he wants and he falls back to sleep within 20 seconds, clutching my shoulder as though I've just told him I'm leaving for Australia indefinitely. The baby stirs again. He wants a feed. I roll over and feed him cradled in my arm. I love breastfeeding him and wish I could devote my boobs 100% to him. He falls asleep, purring.

It is 6.42am. We all wake up together. The child sleepily says 'I want some booby'.

I hate tandem nursing, I really really hate it. 

This is us in April 2013.